so anyways, was looking through my blogs and realised i only blog about my feelings.

well, its an online diary right? and not many people know about the site anyways.
plus im not some bigshot blogger who does advertorials, have many readers, or am always looking for money-making deals.
nor am i the informative type. to link articles which i find interesting, or debate about pointless stuff/political stuff/random articles... (though i do link them on fb)

and if u look at my blog closely, i don't blog about my everyday to day stuff though its quite interesting at times and dramatic. *oh the drama mamas in my life*

i blog about my feelings cos i don't get them across to pple often. my daddy always said im a bottler. i bottle up all my emotions and no1 ever knows until i spill. even then they don't know about these emotions cos they don't know about this blog.

well, i spilt some last night. its been an ongoing thing anyways. always spilling with him. always bickering about why he doesn't like me... im tired.

mr j sent me a bouquet of roses again. and i kept wondering why he never did anything for me, like send me presents or what nots. nothing romantic-like.. (though i liked when he sent me desserts for a period of time but i didn't really like it like it cos i felt i was putting on weight from it!! i also liked when he cooked me a special dinner for my bday, wagyu steak/codfish/salad, but he kept complaining about the food which i didn't like cos it felt like he was more experimenting on the food rather than cooking it specially for my bday)

tbh, i don't think im hard to please nowadays. i really dont think i am with this guy. with the others, it used to be very different.. in fact, i think i've grown up quite a bit regarding r/s.

so back to the story, i spilt. i was in a really bad mood till he got pissed himself. well u know what, things would have gotten alot better during the night if he

1) would just shut up about his ex-gfs
2) stopped telling me stories about the sweet romantic stuff he used to do for his ex-gfs
3) didn't tell me he "informed" his ex-gf about the meteor shower cos "she loves stargazing" and he didnt tell me about it and totally forgot i liked stargazing as well.

so i argued with him.

he says he doesn't do such stuff for me bcos he aint wooing me. he says he didn't even want to get into a r/s this year. he says he's still hung over his bitch of an ex-gf (i really think they fucking belong together. fucked up selfish and egomaniacal pple).he says he doesnt think we would work out anyways.

so we aint talking now.

life's a fucking bitch

FML

might take some fucking sleeping pills tonight. if i have some. all i have is a bottle of weak weak really weak sleeping pills. oh wells, if i die due to an overdose, u know what happened.

love,
shar

wishful thinking

somehow i wish what happened yesterday was just a dream
a very bad dream
all i needed to hear was a little bit of reassurance

instead he just confirmed my doubts and told me what i was dreading to hear
that he was just afraid to lose me all along
that he didn't have much feelings for me at all when he asked me to be his gf
(that he asked me because he knew that if i did get a bf who wasn't him, he'll basically be expendable and he would fall off my list of priorities)
(although he says now that his feelings did develop when we were together)

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it didn't hurt as much i thought it would
maybe cos i still had a defensive barrier these past few weeks we were together
he also said we bicker too much
but you know what i think, we wouldn't bicker at all if i was happy
and all i needed to be happy was if i could feel something coming from him.
so simplistic in theory yet so hard to achieve

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im a lil disgusted by the response triggered at the simple thought of me being single
pack of wolves howling with laughter at my door

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despite all this, i still want to be with him =(

the sad lil me

sometimes i tend to be rather negative
and to be honest, i try really hard everyday to think positively
and it shows, so much so that people often think im this 24/7 bubbly, always happy, forever smiling/laughing/joking character..
ok most of the time, i am that happy go lucky character. hah

but life does get me down at times.
and despite me being happy most of the time,
sometimes all i want to do is curl up in my bed and cry.
that's the me which no1 sees. =/

what's bothering me this time around
this past month ever since it's started,
i have been feeling that my current r/s feels forced
he's not happy
im not happy
we both feel that there's something lacking
which is basically love and even then, lust as well.

i know he's with me for practical reasons
he's probably scared of losing a confidante
how do i tell him that he doesn't have to fear that?
i'd rather be his best friend than to be stuck in a loveless partnership
it's really goddamn tiring

and its draining me physically and mentally.
i don't really know about the physical part all that much but all i want to do is sleep or stay in bed
but then he'll nag at me
saying that i shld go to the gym instead of bumming at home

i hate people nagging at me.
there are so many things about him that i don't like
and i've yet to breathe a word about them
but he's started nagging at me already.

it's not working

the start of something new

I still rem how jus and i used to plan and map our relationship out..

7/7/07 - we got attached
8/8/08 - we were meant to get engaged
9/9/09 - we would be married on this day

HAH. 8/8/08 went by with nothing at all, in fact he even picked a fight with me on that day. that month, he clubbed without me and studied for exams while i worked and worried for him. =/ *sigh* in september, he broke up with me via SMS (how tasteless and original)

well, all that is over now.. enough reminiscing. LMAO

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AND moving on to the good news..

10/10/09 - the start of something new

ok, so it isn't such a perfect date as the ones above but i guess i'm pretty happy with what i have now.

he isn't perfect and in fact, he isn't what i thought i'll end up falling for but reality bites, u know? u fall for pple whom u tink and u were pretty sure u'll nva fall for. jaz and shee doesn't have a good impression of him and actually me too.. LOL! he always complains i think of him as a player and i absolutely agree. (just saw photos of him kissing other girls the weekend just before we got "attached", made me lose my appetite though he had a valid reason)

so anyways, it isn't official yet and we're still testing waters. in fact, i am still somehow hesitant to let him into my life. i'm so very afraid. T.T the fear of stepping into the known abyss again is terrifying me. and certain doubts about him always surface and cloud my mind.

mr b reminded me that i'll only meet the guy i'll marry 2 years later. i felt relieved mr b reminded me of my tarot card reading. because you know what, i don't think the guy im with now actually feels anything for me. =( and i think im quite sensitive to the emotions of others, despite him saying he cares for me.

i don't feel it.

Dear God, reveal thy ways for my path. Amen.

~u'll always be a part of me~

i met ewok last night =)
haha. i don't really know what to say here.
except maybe to dedicate this song to u (its been playing in my head ever since i woke up)



i won't deny i still love u. i don't ever think love ever goes away (in my case), it just gets blurred over time. haha.. and u really meant the world to me at that time.. im such a sucker for love.. v loserish huh? n in a way, i think we got the best and worst out of each other, which is probably why it was the best time of our lives and also the scariest ever, period.

i don't know if its just the memories and the remnants of a feeling so strong that keeps us wanting for more. but ur right, we hafta move on. =D and i wish u all d best with the girl ur seeing now, after all, i know its hard for u to actually find some1 u'll be interested in. hahahaha..

we'll always be a part of each other. and being friends, we'll never have to "leave" each other ever again.. let's just keep what we had, a memory which we'll never ever lose.. God bless u, my dearest one. =D love u always~

hahaha.. im linking our song.. =P

090909

today was meant to be a special day

hahahahaha

wasn't that special after all..

although i was kind of hoping maybe i can start a new relationship by today

it would definitely make a good start. =D

oh wells, nevermind

but there's no denying that 9 is a special number

after all, which number can be multiplied and then that sum added together to form the original number again.

for example, 9x2 = 18, 1+8 =9

9x6 = 54, 5+4 =9

9x15 = 135, 1+3+5 =9

9x639= 5751, also forms 9.. and the list goes on etc..

haha.. random grade school trivia for you~ ;)

eeks

FREAKY!!!

a random stranger called out my name while i was travelling home today

and he definitely knows me

but i don't know him

SCARY!!!

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he paid me for the christian audigier hoodie

which was delivered to my house today

cos he said it was too expensive a present for me to give him

which is true cos there's nothing between us

but now i've got to find another birthday present for him

ahh damn, and i thought i didn't need to shop for his present

cos the hoodie was something he wants

zzz..

.i hate shopping.