facing death in the face

so my oldest auntie passed away yesterday evening
it was however, expected for the past few weeks or u can say years since she was diagnosed with cancer about 1-2 years back

anyways just a couple of hours before she passed away, i went to visit her and tried to pay my respects
but it was difficult
it was extremely emotional

the moment i laid my eyes on her lying in bed
my tears just started streaming down my face
it was shocking
i was totally stunned
i was speechless

i tried and attempted just to say her name, but all i could manage was an open mouth imitating vowel-like actions.
and all this time, my tears were streaming down my face endlessly

i could feel her pain
the way she had to struggle just to breathe
(in an almost morbid thought, i finally understood the meaning of "laboured breathing")

and the way her eyes couldn't manage to open, to look at me
i could see tears glistening admidst her eyelids
and i cried even more

i've never seen someone on their deathbed before
its totally different from seeing a corpse in a coffin at a funeral
this will definitely hit u
and it'll hit u hard
life is indeed so fragile

so please, my friends, treasure ur life as it is
u'll never know when death strikes

-----------------------------------------------------

my dear dua-yi
i hope you're at peace now
your life has been difficult with hardship
but i believe u were always happy with what you had
i love u and i miss u already
R.I.P :'(

---------------------------------------------------

he tucked me into bed last night
brushed my hair tenderly
and stroked my cheek
then he snuck peeks at me while i slept as he played dragon age
after which, he hugged me to sleep
i think i <3 him
:D

i had an odd christmas this year.
we got into a car accident
but surprisingly, am still happy
and the christmas turned out pretty well
i think its mainly cos of him
:)

but the bad thing is his sisters don't seem to like me
am i too sensitive?
but i am usually always correct in my judgment of people and their behaviors towards me
but in this case, i guess
maybe i'll wait for a concrete response to make my judgment of them.
anyways they aren't exactly the nicest people i've met either.

wtf is my problem?

im starting to dislike him
i don't know if its my period talking or whether im honestly losing interest
or the fact that his criticisms, negativity, complaints are pulling me down
he actually brought a whole new level to the words "whining/complainer/negativity" to my books.

last night, he complained that im ditzy at times - that i live in my own world
and that i shld be more practical and be a realist
actually i don't deny that and i didn't
though i am realistic at times, i actually prefer looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses.
but u know if i think practical thoughts, i wouldn't be in the "we're together,we're not together" situation with him now, would i?

and if that wasn't enough, he complained more about my attitude and even my physical fitness. i ask u, would u even take that lying down? of cos i defended myself!!! then he complained that we always bicker and that he never had any arguments with his ex-gfs.

LIKE HELL I WOULD ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT. for some1 who complains nonstop to me about every single thing, his friends, his job and even about his life. he quarrels with his mum, his sis and even "broke up" with his longtime friends within this year. how would i believe he'd never quarrel with his ex-gfs? were they fucking morons who never said a word/never defended themselves/never had an opinion?

SOMETIMES I WISH I COULD POINT OUT HIS FUCKING FAULTS AND NOT QUARREL

i wish i was already living in my own home with my husband and have my baby suckling at my tits. (i know it sounds crude but bear with me) instead of having a fucked up non-relationship where things are gg nowhere and no1 is happy.

half of me really wants to find some1 else
at this point in time, maybe more than half
=/
~hating him~

AND U KNOW THE BEST THING? I COMPLAIN ABOUT HIM IN MY BLOG BUT I DON'T FUCKING SAY A WORD ABOUT HIS FAULTS TO HIM (just so we don't argue). AND HE CAN COMPLAIN THAT I DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT HIM (READ: HE CALLS THIS MOTIVATION AND PUSHING HIM TO BE BETTER) then FINE, i nag him and then he says HE KNOWS, AND THAT I DON'T NEED TO SAY ANYMORE!

then he ends off with a "i don't like people to nag at me but i appreciate it"

so he basically picks a fight with me, obviously i defend myself.

and i fight back

then he says he doesn't like to fight (WTF, LIKE I DO?)

then he complains i don't PUSH him

(i honestly think he's expecting me to pick a fight with him but im not gg to do that)

SO we end up fighting about not fighting

and we finish it with a let's not fight anymore/let's not do this anymore

CAN YOU SAY THESE WORDS WITH ME NOW,

WTF!!!

UPDATE (5 min later): u see, this is why i love my blog. cos i just jot down all my negative emotions and i feel so much better. :) i don't hate him now. its like wth right? but yeah, that's me. i feel more positive after blogging. *sigh* i dread meeting him nowadays..

my sunday ups and downs

on sunday, my heart gave a little leap when he looked deep into my eyes and said, "you are mine. you are my property and you know, i take very good care of my property." it was like a dream... a promise made for the future that i was going to be his; heart and soul.

i am feeling slightly delirious at the thought of my future. LOL

though im still not attached and we still haven't found our footing in this world. the initial arguments have stopped and everything's beginning to be so fine and dandy. in fact, im feeling real positive about this dating partner. hehs..

-----------------------------------------------------------

that same day, i lost my handphone.
i guess it's God's way of telling me that the world has to have a balance.
that on the same day, i felt the door of happiness open
i needed to know that i had to keep my feet on the ground
by feeling annoyance at myself for leaving my handphone in the cab.
f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck F*CK!!!

or maybe, God is telling me I can delete my phonelist, that lil black book, now that i've got the people i care about in my life and their numbers have long been burnt into my brain. :D

*** need money for new phone. =(((

-----------------------------------------------------------

been staying at shee's place.
i cooked curry chicken last night.
was a rushed job cos i was running late for groceries
was too hungry to care whether the potatoes were soft enough. (they were)
it was a good curry to me (sweet and nice, though it could be spicier and thicker)
though shee didn't like it. =/
i guess we have different tastes. =\